Dedicated to Need
2010-02-17

I need.

I need so deeply I do not feel hunger or cold or desire. I need so much so that I must remind myself to breathe. Because I know there is no end to this need.

What is it I define my life by? Because I've lost it like I've lost the night.

In my mind I play the music. I feel every chord in every fiber of my everything I can't understand. Why am I not a musician?

I need.

I need something wonderful done for me. Some inkling that someone, fucking anyone, fucking anywhere understands that I have lost, lost so much in so many ways for so long. I am not whole, I am not broken, I am not woman, or child, or mother. I am stagnant and bitter and I just don't care.

How can you just think you have any right to fucking show up here?

How can your blindness be so thick it nags at my soul every time I think of you?

How can you be so judgemental when I've done more with my life than you have with your's in the same amount of time or less?

I am not and will never be rid of this need, because I give what I can never. You stopped caring, you've stopped trying, and no one is ever there to comfort me.

I will need till there is not a particle left of me to need with. My soul will diminish, my body will decompose into the earth- giving it's sustenance to something else in need. And I will have died from ignorance, withered away and put into the ground, never knowing what it feels like to not need so much it kills me.

 

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