I genuinely just don't know what the fuck I'm doing here.
That cliche about how you regret the things you don't do and say? Fucking bullshit. It is fucking goddamn bullshit.
Every day I relive years of the stupid shit I have said and done. Every day. I regret so much of what I have given away. I've let people in, and for what? I try to play their games and be a part of it all and it has left me feeling nothing but fucking used. You can have my body. Anyone, any time, any way they want. Because it's not fucking me. It hasn't been me since a bathroom stall in 1993. I retreated. I crawled every inch of these walls to find each broken piece and curled around them to keep them safe. For a long time, I protected my shattered innards. And then one day, I decided I was supposed to need. Supposed to belong to other people. Supposed to hand away all I had left because I believed people deserved to have them. I thought what I was getting in return was worth each shard of my dignity, my humanity, my very existence. And I just kept on. Giving. Giving away. I shared and trusted even when I saw me shrinking on the floor.
Now I have so little left inside. I've become addicted to the feeling of emptying out who I am for others. The rush of knowing the pain is to follow, I'm on that table again. Giving them what they want. At this point I just hurdle myself at anything that moves because the desperation I feel as it leaves me is the only thing I trust anymore. I keep hoping it'll just be gone one day. There'll be nothing left and I can just be finished.
I don't know what the hell I am doing. This past year has just been too much. I have quite literally failed at every.single.thing. I have attempted for four years straight. It's fucking unreal. High IQ? Doesn't mean jack shit when it belongs to this. I'm tired of being a fucking inspiration to people. I'm tired of picking them up. I'm not tired like the times I've blabbed on before where one diary entry and a few cries picks me back up. I mean I am fucking tired.
I don't want to bother with school anymore. I don't want to do my assignments or study or speeches or any of the other ridiculous dancing monkey bull shit. I don't want to sleep because I can't even fucking do that right. I don't want to be a mother because are you fucking kidding LOOK AT ME. I don't want to put any effort into my outside because, I repeat, fucking LOOK AT ME. I don't want a job or a better house. I don't want to have sex or make art or write or fucking do anything at all anymore. It all amounts to nothing. It's all I can do to successfully pick out a show to watch or a song to listen to. Fucking christ. WTF am I doing? I can't even escape. I can't even escape this.
Have I finally done it? Have I given it all away?