when i was small,
rarely would i be seen
without a baby doll
clutched in my tiny arms
i'd carry all day
singing and cooing
a dress rehearsal, my play
as i changed and grew
so did my dreams
yet i returned to you
the futures i might bare
but doubt, doubt
took root and
shook me inside out
the scathing questions
the endless fear
internal insinuations
a stagnant self-loathing
i could no longer see
the path from
you to me
and then love came
she came for me unexpectedly
hope was born again
possibilities renewed
a little girl's instinct
unearthed and ignited
now i stood at the brink
there i would stand
for five long years
i would hope, i'd demand
i would scream and sob
over and over,
there i would fall
and get up, and up
"it will be worth it all"
it was there i became
first better, then broken
full of bitter shame
it was there i learned
i had carried you within
from the moment
of my own conception
on the ledge,
i weathered every storm
i caressed that edge
you came and you went
i watched my womb
empty and bleed
it had become a tomb
i persevered
certain i'd succeed
against all i feared
i tried and tried
until nothing remained
the journey had stolen me
i was tainted, stained
there would not be
a healing, a triumph
there is no recovery
no happy, just the end
i knew not at the start
all the countless ways
i would sever my heart
this is the journey
of failure and regret
the unspoken reality
wishes and dreams unmet
of promises broken
crushed beneath
a never mother's burden